I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
