My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
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