I accidentally had phone sex last night
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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