I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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