My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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