I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
