found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
