I can't breathe out the right side of my face
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
