Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
