Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
