Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
