How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
