yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize