I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I lost the right to judge tonight
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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