I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
