i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
