I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
