You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
