im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
