Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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