Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
