I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
