At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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