I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
