if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
