I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
