i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You had me at "let me see your balls"
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