I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
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