guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
