I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
