we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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