Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
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