Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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