Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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