u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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