Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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