Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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