just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize