I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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