There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
