I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
