I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Randomize
