so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
