Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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