Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
wanna go halves on a baby?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize