How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
