Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
there was a trapeze. enough said
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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