I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
