pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
