U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
