drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
