this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize