Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
