Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
