the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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