a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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